PFP Page 18
When talking with a person we try as much as we can to understand how they are feeling, or, in other words, what their emotions are. This can help us to determine how we approach our conversation.
Sometimes we
and our friend are uncomfortable with our feelings and
emotions. This can happen because:
We think they are not
important;
Emotions can be erratic;
They can be painful;
We can think they are a sign
of weakness;
They can make us feel guilty; and,
A formula
(The dominant feeling is often
the one that is mentioned last in a person’s story.)
‘You feel … (feeling noun) …
because … (paraphrase/ summarise reason).’
Always add a check
- e.g. ‘Is
that right?’
e.g. ‘You feel
happy/excited/surprised because you have made some new friends here, and
you weren’t expecting to do so. Is that right?’
e.g. ‘I am hearing that you feel distressed/disempowered/sad because you no longer have control over your finance. Is that how it is for you?’
Identifying and
reflecting feelings
A powerful way to show the
person that we have been listening to their story is to reflect the
feeling(s) they express.
Feelings are neither ‘good or bad’; they just happen.
It is what we DO with
emotions that can cause problems. They are the source of many
thoughts and actions.
Identifying and
reflecting feelings validate them.
People often need
assistance to recognise and accept their own feelings.
Especially when
grieving, a person may find emotions and their intensity
frightening and difficult
to identify and express.
We can support and assist them by giving them permission to talk about their feelings, accepting them and normalising them.
An accurate reflection
of feelings shows the person we are genuinely hearing them. Even an inaccurate
reflection may help the person to explore and identify what is
happening to them.
Reflecting present-tense feelings is often the most useful. This helps to ground your friend in the present. They may identify past feelings, but how they experience them now can assist in normalising them.
