Personal communications styles

We all have our own style of communication. Sometimes it is effective but at other times it can be very ineffective if not hurtful and counterproductive. This is not always (and is probably rarely) deliberate. Sometimes we say things without meaning them, or being aware of how another person might hear them. Following are a few styles, most of which are not desirable because they can be hurtful.

Sometimes we deliberately fall in the following 'traps' because we lack knowledge, understanding or good judgement on some issues.

Avoiding the real issue - better to face the issue directly.

  Changing the topic

  Ignoring feelings

Invalidating emotion - we should not minimise a friend's difficulty.

  Discounting - “That’s nothing”

  Contradicting - “You don’t feel like that”

  Reassuring - “Don’t worry about it”

Providing solutions - something to avoid. It is much better that a friend arrives at their own solutions.

  Ordering -  “You have to…”

  Threatening -  “You’d better … or else”

  Moralising -  “You should …”

  Suggesting - “Why don’t you...”

  Closed questions -  “Did you … “

It is probably better to ask a question like: “Have you thought of… ?“ This enables the person to think for him/herself about the issue.

While we try to paraphrase to tease out a person’s story, we do need to respond to help the person become more at peace. Communicators have categorised the kinds of responses we can make – some of them are desirable and some undesirable. Here are a few:

  Generalising – response is so general it can take the focus off a person’s feelings.

  Moralising – rejects the person’s feelings and suggests how they ought to feel.

 Dogmatic – often a religious response implying how a person should feel.

  Probing – questions that explore feelings or attitudes. (However, avoid inquisitorial responses as these can become offensive.)

  Empathic – responds to emotional content

You will realise that many of the above items would be good directions to take in a conversation, and many would not be helpful. Try to think of examples for yourself and reflect on how appropriate they might be in specific situations.