The practice of paraphrase is one of the most fundamental means of gaining responses from your friends. It involves listening to what a person says, identifying keywords and then saying what the person said in different words. This has three important functions. Firstly, it shows that you understand what the person has said. Secondly, it provides the person with the opportunity to amplify his or her earlier statement and thus give you more information about their circumstances. Thirdly, it can also provide the opportunity for correcting any incorrect perceptions you may have made. You should aim to make the paraphrase shorter than the original statement. It largely corresponds to the ‘Acknowledge’ part of LACE.

Try to paraphrase the following statement for yourself.

Jill: ‘It happened when I was cleaning the leaves out of the gutters on the garage roof. My husband was too lazy to do it! The ladder I was using gave way. I gripped the gutters, but they broke, and I fell awkwardly into the garden and landed with my leg underneath me. It’s fractured in two places.’ (Hint: ‘How awful’ is neither good nor enough!)

Where possible we try to avoid asking too many questions  because our friend may see this as prying – invading their privacy. This is one reason why paraphrasing is very useful. Your friend will often respond to the paraphrase by expanding more on their earlier description. This often saves the asking of more questions.

However, asking questions can often be the first way of helping the person to start their story. What kind of questions do we ask?

Open-ended – These questions are usually more appropriate because they provide your friend with the opportunity to give a couple of sentences in response that will then enable you to follow up with paraphrase. They also give your friend control over the conversation.

Example: How did you feel about your accident?

Think of an example of your own.

Closed – These are not generally useful because they make it too easy for your friend to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’. However, they can be useful for clarifying something, but provide little new information.

Example: Did you become ill yesterday?

Think of an example of your own.

Focused questions – These are usually in response to a person’s direct statement. For example: Person – I just knew this was going to happen? Carer – How did you know? What gave you this feeling? (Think of an example of your own.)

Shopping list – When it is difficult for a patient to explain what is bothering him, it is helpful to provide some possibilities. Person: I don’t know why I’m not really feeling very well today. Visitor: Are you worried about your operation tomorrow, or is it that you wonder how your husband is coping with the children? (Think of an example of your own.)

Questions to avoid

Loaded:                     How are you finding treatment, terrible?

                                  A lot of people find treatment exhausting. Is that how you are finding it?

Double barrelled:      Have you told your husband or doctor?

                                 Do you want me to call the nurse or leave you alone?

A few other things …

  Keep your questions brief.

  Ask only one question at a time.

  Avoid loaded questions – these can sometimes be judgemental: ‘You mean you haven’t prayed for some time?’

  Avoid interrogations – what you want to know and not what the person wants to tell you.

  Be careful of ‘why’ questions – these can sometimes be accusatory.

  Incidentally – ‘must’ is a good word to avoid in conversations with anyone. You might say 'You must be feeling awful' and your friend might respond 'Oh no, I'm OK because...!'.

Some ways of checking your perception

  I get the impression that …

  It appears to me that …

  It seems to me that …

  I’m wondering if …

  It sounds to me as if …

  Is it possible that …

  I have a hunch that …

  I sense that …

  I perceive that …

  I get the feeling that …

These might be followed by:

  Am I correct? Right? Is that right? Is that correct?

Use a neutral caring tone of voice!