PFP Page 26 

Loss and grief: Helping a FIEND who IS mourning

All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work. 2 Timothy 3:17

We have tried to understand basic factors associated with loss and grief. From this understanding, we can build a foundation for trying to support a friend who is grieving. This can come through the person’s spirituality that helps gain peace of mind.

Spirituality in loss and grief

It was mentioned earlier that, for caring purposes, there is a distinction between spirituality and religious spirituality. In caring for a friend who is grieving we should note that there might be many ways in which we help in their spirituality to help them towards ‘peace’. Think about these two examples:

John was dying of cancer. He was only young and had two young children. In discussions, it was evident that he did not have a significant religious faith. He spoke of a well-known sportsman who had a similar illness, and John saw this person as a model for himself. The sportsman was not an atheist but he didn’t seek strength through God. He gained personal strength through his own success in overcoming his illness. John looked to the sportsman as a model for his own peace and encouragement.

Carley was grieving.  Her husband, Anthony, had died suddenly four weeks previously. They had no children and Carley, after initially being distraught, was settling back to work with renewed energy, determined to overcome her grief through concentrating on the work she enjoyed so much. She was surrounded at work by good colleagues and friends who supported her with understanding and practical assistance.

In both cases there was no overt religious spirituality. John found his peace through the example of someone else, and Carley found hers through her work ethic and friends.

While, as caring friends, we may have a Christian approach to loss and grieving, it is important that while we ourselves care in this framework, we respect the need for others to cope with their loss and grief in their own way. Our role is to help a friend to cope in the way determined by them, even though we may not accept their way, or if we believe there is a better way.

A Scriptural framework

Much of the following is a Scriptural perspective embraced generally by Christians. It is useful both for ourselves as carers (‘know yourself’), helping those who are ill or facing death, and those who are in bereavement.

The essence of coping with any stressful situation is having faith in God that we will be helped through that stress. It is a living belief that what happens to us takes place in a God-caring environment. This does not mean that we will not have the stresses, illness and loss during our lives. What it does mean is that we have a firm foundation for coping with those difficulties. Remember, grieving is often an expression of love.

Central to faith is hope. In the case of Christians, it includes the hope and reassurance of

  The possibility of happiness/peace/growth as the person returns to a more normal life;

  God’s saving grace;

  God’s forgiveness;

  Eternal life

Part of the coping process is to recognise that God is ever with us and He has a plan for us. Learning to accept what happens to us because we are being guided by God is central to coping. Stresses are not punishment for sin; they are a part of life.

The Apostle Paul had some very sound advice …

I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. Philippians 4:11

…             and this from a man who had been stoned, imprisoned, shipwrecked, had a long-term physical impediment and was generally persecuted. Paul regarded everything as loss that he might win Christ. He always kept before him the hope of the kingdom. He said, ‘for the hope of Israel I am bound with this chain.’ (Acts 28:20) (He was in house arrest in Rome at the time he spoke this, waiting for his appeal to Caesar to be heard.)

It is important to keep to the forefront of our mind Scriptures that are helpful. Please click here to download a page of helpful Bible quotations.

There is a very helpful video on Loss and Grief prepared by Louise Buttsworth. It won't form part of the Statement 'assessment' but you will find it very informative. Click here.

And now for the next Statement work page...