Pastoral Friend Program

PFP Page 25

Common phases of grief

People have been writing about grief for a long time. The Bible has many examples of the way men and women have grieved. It has already been stressed that people grieve in different ways. Observers of grief patterns have tried to describe the ways in which people grieve. In the last fifty or sixty years, one observer, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, described what she saw as seven stages of grief. The implications in her writings, at least initially, were that there was a kind of schedule of stages that grieving people went through. More recent observers have suggested that rather than stages, people go through phases. The implications for this are that there are certain elements of grief that people have in common, but they do not necessarily follow a schedule. They do not necessarily occur in the same order for every individual, and the phases can be longer or shorter from individual to individual. The phases can also differ in intensity, depending on the degree of the loss and consequent grief, and they can overlap.

Some phases of grief are:

1. Initial shock;

2. Expression of emotion;

3. Denial that the loss has occurred;

4. Anger at the loss;

5. Sadness;

6. A feeling of guilt; and,

7. Acceptance and hope.

It is stressed that these may not be evident in every grieving person. They are phases or elements that many people go through.

It is also important to recognise that stereotypes associated with males and females may affect the way a person feels able to grieve. Another factor is culture – some cultures are more (or less) outwardly emotional in grief than others.

Some forms (or categories) of grief

There is no such thing as ‘normal’ grief. However, there are some categories of grieving that are more pronounced than others. As our friend's supporter we need to be aware of these.

Acute sorrow

Probably the closest to ‘normal’ grief is acute sorrow. In this, a person experiences a loss but is able to cope with the loss and arrives at resolution and closure. While the loss may be remembered throughout life, the degree of acceptance has enabled the grieving person to handle the grief and generally overcome it.

Chronic sorrow

In distinction from acute sorrow, Susan Roos has described chronic sorrow as ‘a set of pervasive, profound, continuing and recurring grief responses … The loss is a living loss.’ As carers we can sometimes meet people who have such a loss. They might be behaving ‘normally’ but become very upset when reflecting on a specific loss occurring some years previously.

Anticipatory grief

This can be quite common. It refers to the emotion expressed by a person in anticipation of a loss. It might be a dying person who recognises they are going to lose their life. It is also common to those who are awaiting the death of another person. In this last case, these factors may be evident:

despondence and depression

increased concern for the dying person

efforts to adjust to the consequences of the death.

There are some positive elements of anticipatory grief. It allows a family, for example, to adjust to the reality of the impending death over a period of time. It also allows in some instances for unfinished ‘business’ to be conducted between the family and the dying person and enables the family to make some plans for the future.

Disenfranchised grief

This is a difficult term but a simple concept. Sometimes, people find themselves in a situation where they are not ‘allowed’ to grieve. There may be a number of reasons for this.

The grieving person was in a relationship with the dead person that was not accepted by his/her family.

The loss is not deemed by some others to be significant – a miscarriage, for example; or ‘your mother was very old and lived a good life’.

The griever is not recognised – ‘the little boy hardly knew his grandfather anyway’.

The mode of death is dismissed – an ‘at fault’ teenager killed in a high-speed road accident or a suicide.

In a religious setting there is pressure put on the griever to recognise that the dead person is ‘now in a better place and we should be happy!’.

Sometimes as a friend, we need to lead the grieving person to realise they are allowed to grieve – it is not only ‘not wrong’ but it is important that grieving takes place.

Something to consider

Think of a person in your own experience who has suffered loss and grief. Without identifying the person, see if you can determine into what ‘categories’ their grief seemed to fit. (Perhaps you might refer to an example of your own loss and grief.)