He who answers before listening — that is his folly and shame.
— Proverbs 18:13
Paraphrase
Paraphrase is one of the most fundamental means of drawing out responses from your friends. It involves listening to what someone says, identifying keywords, and saying what they said in different words. This serves three functions: it shows you understand what's been said; it gives the person a chance to expand on their earlier statement; and it lets you correct any misunderstanding. Aim to make your paraphrase shorter than the original statement — it largely corresponds to the "Acknowledge" step in LACE.
Try it yourself
Try to paraphrase the following statement for yourself. (Hint: "How awful" is neither good nor enough!)
Jill. "It happened when I was cleaning the leaves out of the gutters on the garage roof. My husband was too lazy to do it! The ladder I was using gave way. I gripped the gutters, but they broke, and I fell awkwardly into the garden and landed with my leg underneath me. It's fractured in two places."
Questions
Where possible, we try to avoid asking too many questions, as our friend may see this as prying. This is one reason paraphrasing is so useful — your friend will often respond to a paraphrase by expanding further, which often saves asking more questions. That said, asking questions can be the first way of helping someone start their story.
- Open-ended — usually the most appropriate, giving your friend room to respond in a couple of sentences you can then follow up with paraphrase, and giving them control of the conversation. Example: "How did you feel about your accident?" Think of an example of your own.
- Closed — not generally useful, as they make it too easy to say "yes" or "no," though they can help clarify something. Example: "Did you become ill yesterday?" Think of an example of your own.
- Focused — usually in response to a direct statement. Example: Person: "I just knew this was going to happen." Carer: "How did you know? What gave you this feeling?" Think of an example of your own.
- Shopping list — when it's difficult for someone to explain what's bothering them, offering a couple of possibilities can help. Example: Person: "I don't know why I'm not really feeling very well today." Visitor: "Are you worried about your operation tomorrow, or is it that you wonder how your husband is coping with the children?" Think of an example of your own.
Questions to avoid
- Loaded — e.g. "How are you finding treatment, terrible?" Better: "A lot of people find treatment exhausting. Is that how you're finding it?"
- Double-barrelled — e.g. "Have you told your husband or doctor?" or "Do you want me to call the nurse or leave you alone?"
A few other things
- Keep your questions brief.
- Ask only one question at a time.
- Avoid loaded questions — these can sometimes be judgemental, e.g. "You mean you haven't prayed for some time?"
- Avoid interrogations — focus on what the person wants to tell you, not what you want to know.
- Be careful of "why" questions — these can sometimes sound accusatory.
- Incidentally, "must" is a word worth avoiding in conversation with anyone. You might say "You must be feeling awful," and your friend might respond, "Oh no, I'm OK because…!"
Some ways of checking your perception
- "I get the impression that…"
- "It appears to me that…"
- "It seems to me that…"
- "I'm wondering if…"
- "It sounds to me as if…"
- "Is it possible that…"
- "I have a hunch that…"
- "I sense that…"
- "I perceive that…"
- "I get the feeling that…"
These might be followed by: "Am I correct? Right? Is that right? Is that correct?" — always in a neutral, caring tone of voice.