"How do I help someone...
… develop a positive relationship in marriage?"
Introduction
Marriage was designed by God to provide a
partnership where men and women might work closely together to imitate
Christ by following his example. A Godly marriage is characterised by
self-sacrifice where each party considers the other better than
themselves and seeks ways to please and support their partner. This can
mean subsuming our own wants to better serve our partner. Differences of
opinion about a range of matters is usual in a marriage but only become
problems if they come to be the focus of the relationship by remaining
unresolved.
If we are privileged to be asked to assist
people having challenges in their relationship it must be done in a
sensitive and caring manner ensuring their confidentiality is respected.
We must bear in mind, however, it is unlikely that we are trained
professionals and some issues couples face need specialised assistance.
Good intentions are no substitute for training and experience and so we
should be very careful about what we say especially where any form of
abusive behaviour is present.
To suggest a couple seeks professional
support could well provide them with solutions to their difficulties. If
one or both regard such a step as an admission of failure we can reframe
their concerns by asking them to see it not as an admission of failure
but a statement of one’s desire to have their marriage succeed. You
might recommend the couple consult their doctor and have a mental health
plan developed which could include visits to a psychologist if you
believe support beyond your limited scope is needed.
Assess and Assist if there is a Crisis
Conflict as opposed to disagreement, can take
over one’s life. A person experiencing physical and/or psychological
violence should not remain in harm’s way. If a partner uses
psychological and/or physical violence to dominate the other person,
this can become dangerous to physical, psychological and spiritual
health. Tactics used by abusers include isolating, blaming, using
degrading language, and economic, physical, and sexual abuse. Few of us
have the training to help in such situations and professional assistance
in such cases is very important.
Respectful Communication
It is important for couples to understand and
practise techniques that enhance communication and problem solving. A
key to implementing such techniques is understanding oneself and the
reasons we react in certain ways then to identify what is likely to
disturb or even antagonise us. Studies into violence suggest that
insecurity, feelings of inadequacy and jealousy are strong motivators
that can lead to extreme behaviour. Again, professional help should be
sought in such situations.
Effective communication and conflict resolution skills are important to a positive partnership. You might suggest couples practise:
Careful listening to what the other person is saying.
Using reflective responses such as: “If I am
understanding you correctly you are saying…”
Controlling their emotions,
Not shouting, clenching the fists, standing too
close, pacing the room, sighing, turning away and using ridicule or
threats.
Avoiding global statements such as, “you
are always angry, you never help with the children.”
Do not minimise the other’s concerns. Statements
such as “You’ll feel better tomorrow.” “I can’t see why that would worry
you, it doesn’t worry me.” “You’ll get over it.”
If we are going to assist people with
relationship difficulties it is important not to use judgemental
language. It will not help in either the short or long term if you
appear to take sides no matter how horrified you might feel about the
person’s situation. Also remember you are hearing only one side of an
issue. Taking sides in a marriage conflict makes it almost impossible to
provide real assistance as trust is immediately compromised with the
other person.
The Power of Prayer
Have the couple consider the power of prayer.
Praying both individually and together can be the key to enhancing a
relationship. Have them remember the vows they made before God at their
wedding and thank Him that he has brought them together. Suggest they
thank God for His presence in their lives and where their lives are
better for believing in Him. This can be a very positive experience and
help to order thoughts and find words that can be used in later
discussions.
Life’s Demands
The demands of work appear to be increasing
and people can feel there is less and less time to devote to the family.
This can cause resentment on the part of one’s partner if they feel they
are shouldering a large part of family responsibilities. It is important
that sensitive discussions be conducted to ensure responsibilities in
the home are allocated in an equitable fashion and then diligently
carried out. A household that functions smoothly provides security for
members of the family; each knows what is expected of them and are
assured that others will conduct themselves in ways that enhance the
welfare of all members. You might suggest the couple review the range of
responsibilities in the household and even make a list of what needs to
be done from the mundane such as taking out the garbage to far more
essential tasks such as who gets up at night when the baby cries. You
might suggest the couple develop timelines as to when some task should
be completed. Developing agreed expectations can provide greater
stability to the household.
Unfaithfulness in marriage
Unfaithfulness can take many forms and not
necessarily be sexual in nature. One’s partner deserves affectionate
attention but to allow people outside the immediate family to take
priority is a form of infidelity. Work, hobbies, sport indeed anything
that takes priority over one’s relationship with a partner is a form of
infidelity. A topic for discussion might be the time spent at work and
in pursuits beyond the home and how each feels about the other’s
activities. You might suggest the couple discuss how each feels about
their personal relationship and programmes time when they can be
together, to eat out, or take a short break away or something as simple
as regular walking together in a local park.
Resources
and Further Reading
The Pre-Marriage Resource Book.
Many couples have been given a copy of this book by their celebrant to
help prepare for marriage. A review of its contents and reflection on
the answers each gave to the discussion questions can remind us of what
a good marriage is and how to maintain and enhance our relationship.
Another great resource is The
Marriage Enrichment Program. This course is not just
for people with significant problems but for any couple wishing to
enhance their relationship. The course is run from time-to-time often
being led by Christadelphian marriage celebrants and has been reported
by people who have attended as being of benefit. To find out when the
next course is to run contact a marriage celebrant in your local area.
It can be worthwhile to get a group of friends to suggest to celebrants
that it’s time to run the course again!
If you have already been to a Marriage
Enrichment Program it is useful to review the Guest manual you received
as part of the course.
It never hurts to do the course for a second
or even a third time as relationships change over time and different
issues arise or old issues can remain to be solved.
For Better or For Worse
Mark Vincent; Christadelphian 2015
The First Years are Forever
Ed Wheat; Koorong Bookshop
That We might Be One
Robert and Sharon Prins; available from Sister
CBandLagents@gmail.com
Steps to True Marriage
Harry Tennant; Christadelphian Office
Family Life in the Lord
Don and Ellen Styles; Christadelphian Scripture Study Service
The Marriage Checkup H.
Norman Wright; Koorong Bookshop
The Marriage you’ve Always Wanted Gary Chapman; Koorong Bookshop
The 10 Commandments of Marriage Ed Young; Koorong Bookshop
The Five Love Languages
Gary Chapman; Koorong Bookshop
