Be strong and courageous. ... for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:8)
Pre-marriage conversations (pdf)
Marriage for many people is an important element of life. Couples preparing for marriage go through a preparation program ideally conducted by the marriage celebrant and his wife to help them prepare. The material following is covered in such a program. However, helping people in marriage is something we can all do. Considering the following can help us all at any time in our own marriages and also make us aware of the issues facing couples as they prepare for their exciting time. Editor
Preparing for marriage is much more than
choosing a venue, clothing, guests and attendants and organising the
other myriad things that go into a ceremony. While these are important
for a successful wedding there are other and more important matters to
consider that will endure long past the “big day”.
Why do people marry? God says in
Genesis that Adam was not complete until he had a companion who shared
his intellectual, social, physical and spiritual attributes. Genesis
also tells us that Adam’s choice of Eve for a wife was deliberate, it
did not just happen. The emphasis in Genesis and other places in
Scripture is the development of a oneness, a unity between a man and a
woman that will reflect the glory of God and so be a comfort to each
other.
Marriage is a partnership
comprising a physical union (sex) with the probable production of
children, the provision of a family home, the development of trust and
security, economic stability and good communication. Most importantly,
God must be at the centre of the relationship with each person serving
the other in kindness and love to the end that they both, along with
their children, will be acceptable to God.
Relationship with
God
It is essential if a marriage is to prosper
that God must be at its centre. Before a wedding is the time to ensure
this begins. Regular consideration of Scripture together, and praying
together is a good foundation for a marriage to prosper and should never
be neglected. It is important for the husband to understand that his
role is not to dominate his wife but to help her grow in her
relationship with God. If a husband is to be the true “head of the
house” it can only be done through service. And so too with the wife:
true obedience to her husband is not just saying “yes dear” to all he
says. It is important to have a relationship of respectful love where
each partner honours the other and contributes to their spiritual
growth. True obedience is obedience to the commands of God to love,
honour and serve.
Plan to pray together
Plan to pray for
your family, brothers and sisters, children, friends and those in need.
Which will be your home ecclesia?
What ecclesial activities will you attend?
What ecclesial activities will you be
involved in helping to organise?
Self-knowledge
An important thing for a person to do is to
understand their own character, what motivates them to think and speak
the way they do and for them to understand why they react to positive
and negative experiences the way they do: in other words, what drives
them to be the sort of person they are.
Some things that might be considered:
How did I learn conflict resolution? Did my family settle matters
through a great deal of noise or were matters avoided because of
disinterest or fear of conflict, or was there reasoned and calm
discussion?
How do I manage my money?
How do I feel about a sexual relationship? Do I look forward to
that deep level of communication with joy or am I concerned about it? If
I am concerned, is it because of past experiences that need discussion
with my partner and/or with the assistance of a professional counsellor?
Communication
Respectful communication is a key to a good
relationship. Marriage counsellors site poor communication as one of the
main factors in marriage breakdown.
Some things that might be
considered:
Does one or the other do most of the talking and not give respect
and close attention to what the other is saying?
Do we seek for clarification of what the other is saying to ensure
any response we might make is addressing the other’s concern?
Do we consciously give each other time to think about and express
views?
To what extent does my upbringing affect my approach to conflict
resolution and could I do better?
Do we choose the best time for discussing a difficult matter or
don’t we care if the other is tired, stressed or not well?
Does one or the other regard conflict as winning or losing rather
than a chance to understand the other better?
Do we have an agreed process when discussing difficult matters?
Do we take turns to speak and not use blame?
Do we use positive language rather than blanket statements such as
“you always…” or “you never…”?
Do we clarify what the other is saying eg. “when you say ... are
you meaning…”?
Do we consider tone of voice, inflection and body language?
A good sentence to use is: “I understand how you feel. Let me
explain what I did as I saw it”.
Finance
The management of money can be a source of
conflict and it can be an issue at the forefront of marriage problems.
Before marriage is the best time to start a conversation about financial
priorities.
We live in one of the most
affluent societies in the world. A brief consideration of the living
standards of many people in other countries should make us aware of just
how much most of us have. This does not mean that some in our country
are not poor and struggle to live on the tiny income they receive. This
should excite our sympathy and concern and hopefully lead us to consider
ways we might better support them.
Can money really bring happiness?
Is having more money a guarantee of a better relationship and a better
quality of life? We should think carefully about how we might use the
resources God has provides us with.
True riches reside in other
places. God tells us to seek first his Kingdom and make that the
priority and sufficient food, drink, clothing and shelter will be
available to us. It does not have to be rich and sumptuous food nor a
large and beautifully furnished house. Far more important than these is
the development of a relationship that is warm and loving where
companionship and trust are the hallmarks.
How do we regard our possessions? Do we see them as gifts from God
to use wisely?
Who does the money in the bank belong to: you or me or is it ours?
Do we trust each other in the management of our money?
Does either have a problem with impulse spending?
Will each have a discretionary budget to spend how they wish?
Will there be joint priorities such as repayment of a home loan,
children’s education, holidays, medical expenses, new car etc.
Have we formulated a budget to guide us in our allocation of funds
and a savings regime?
How do we both feel about giving generously to meet the needs of
others?
Intimacy – It’s more than sex
While sexual intercourse is an important
component of a marriage it is not unusual for this to modify as years go
by. There is much research that indicates companionship outside a
physical relationship becomes more and more important. If a
relationship is based on physical attraction alone the marriage may not
last much beyond seven years and if it does it can be an emotionally
sterile place to be. The term “choosing to love” is an important one to
consider. Marriage is as much about thinking as it is about feeling.
True companionship is a choice to be made and developed starting before
the wedding.
It can be useful to discuss
sexual relations before a wedding so that a good groundwork is set for
the first months in particular. God created us as sexual beings not only
for the production of children but also as a means of developing a deep
and highly intimate bond. For this to occur sexual intercourse should at
all times be respectful of each other while understanding just how
vulnerable each might feel. Each should be prepared to give pleasure as
well as receiving it. God made us to enjoy sexual relations.
Have you discussed and agreed upon method(s) of contraception you
might employ?
When might you have children?
Are you prepared to be open with the other about what you think
you might or might not enjoy in sexual intercourse?
Have you discussed other things you might enjoy together such as
hiking, swimming, reading together, holding each other, conversation
…..?
Set aside time when you can be alone together to relax and enjoy
each other’s company. We mostly live busy lives and it can be all too
easy to be so lost in the demands of work, family and ecclesia that
intimacy in all its forms can be lost. Just living together in the same
house is not an intimate relationship.
Relationship with Parents
This can the source of great joy and comfort
but it might also be a source of conflict. Developing trust and good
communication with each other’s parents is very important.
Some things that might be considered:
How do my parents regard the person I am marrying?
Talk to the other’s parents, show an interest in what they are
doing, discover what they are interested in.
If it is obvious one set of parents will have difficulty in
letting go of their child, what might be done to ensure that the
relationship is not fractured?
If there are poor relationships and this persists don’t let the
matter go but seek guidance in how to improve interactions.
Conclusion
As we are very much aware, the period before a marriage can sometimes be difficult for the couple as they contemplate living together. We need to be sensitive to their situation and encourage them to talk to one another in a calm and constructive fashion being careful to lead them to reflect on the challenges they might be facing rather than tell them how to solve them. While our own experience in the period prior to our wedding can be useful, we need to be careful not to spend time merely telling stories about our experiences: while they might be interesting to us, they need not be to the couple.
Finally, confidentiality is very important. If
others are told about what has been discussed without the explicit
permission of the couple, they might feel betrayed and not come back to
you for guidance. If you see a matter might affect the welfare of the
couple in a serious fashion. If you believe it is necessary to share
that information with another, it is better to assist the couple to
speak to whoever might need to know.
Being asked for support by a
couple before they marry is a privilege and must be treated sensitively
while looking to the ultimate aim of assisting them to honour God
through their developing relationship.
