No one wants to feel angry. It is stressful, yet becoming angry probably happens to most of us at some time. This can often lead to a feeling of hopelessness – we want to get out of the anger feeling yet it stays with us. How do we help someone who seems like this to us? The first thing (as we often emphasise) is to listen to what the person is saying. We should try to explore the root cause of the person’s anger with them. Often talking about something will help them to clarify their own thinking.

You will see by now that the essential aspect of helping in stressful situations is to listen to what’s being said. What is the cause of the person’s depression or anxiety? Is it health, family, work, etc.? Can you explore this with them? You may not be able to offer solutions but listening and showing interest can help immensely. 

This can often be traced back to depression and anxiety. You know the situation – we have all been there. We toss and turn, get up, go back to bed; walk around ...  What is the root cause of this anxiety? Can we encourage the distressed person to talk about their anxiety and the cause of their sleeplessness?

This can be debilitating. A not uncommon situation with believers is that we are determined that something should happen, and we pray about it. This might be an illness; a job application; a wish for a close personal relationship with someone; pregnancy and children.  Yet, it doesn’t happen. We can think – “What is the point of praying. God doesn’t hear my prayer. He hasn’t given me what I asked for”! In the case of illness, it may be that we are not returned to health the way we would like. It may be that our pain is immense, and it is not being reduced, despite our earnest, sincere prayer.  

How do we help? Listen and offer to pray with them. Sometimes, in these situations a person finds it very difficult to pray for themselves. We can offer to pray with them. Often praying and holding hands (depending on circumstances) can be a wonderful help to someone. We might use the words that they would like to use but have difficulty in finding themselves.

And, of course, in the days of digital media, a telephone, text or media message, or an email prayer can be helpful. The advantage of this in our helping is that firstly, we are placing ourselves in God’s hands and secondly, we are showing practically that we care.

“Why bother!” is a phrase we sometimes hear. A person is depressed that their efforts are not ‘rewarded’ when their wishes not granted. This phrase seems to be more prevalent nowadays, especially when it appears that society is becoming more unkind, uncaring and more violent. It can be helpful for us to explore the person’s core values with them – the hope they may have had; their previous objectives in life. If we can understand the way they are feeling we are more equipped to help them return to their faith and purpose. A word of warning – while we may understanding Scriptural or theological reasons for their situation, we should avoid facile Biblical explanations. While these may arise, providing too much of such explanations may take us away from the human feeling or the person we are trying to help.

A negative response to our prayers can often lead to a questioning of our fundamental belief in God and His Word. Things don’t go the way we would like.  We might suddenly see something in the Bible that may explain something in a very different light than what we have been used to. We may see some event befalling a friend that is catastrophic for them. We can ask, “Why has God allowed this to happen to such a wonderful person?” And, nowadays, we often hear the question, “Why does God allow so much suffering in the world?”  This goes back to a fundamental understanding of Scripture and God’s purpose. We need to understand the Scriptures to see what answers God provides. We should however, avoid dismissive Scriptural explanations, especially if we are offering a “top-down” approach. Sensitivity is vital in our dealings with those suffering.

Something happens in a person’s life and we do not know why. For example, a friend has a son who dies. He is a young husband and father. There is no apparent reason for his death. The son was exemplary in his behaviour. He was an up and coming faithful Christian and potentially, was going to be a strong leader in his church community. Or, a young wife and mother may have been diagnosed with a terminal illness with the potential of leaving her headband and twin 2 year old children behind. What can we do?

When faced with these situations, spiritual carers often find it useful to simply say, “I don’t know why this has happened.” Again, a long involved theological dissertation may not help. Understanding and asking God’s guidance to help us understand can be much more effective.